Guilt

Once again I find myself up in the night due to mandatory O.T. as issued by that hard assed Big 'D'! I wish I could blame Halloween candy for this but I fear it is my poor carb counting from last night's supper that is mainly to blame. We had homemade waffles, back bacon (lower fat!), and fruit salad.

The trouble arose, I believe, with the carb counts for the waffles. The mix states that, when making pancakes, 1/4 cup of the mix which translates to approximately 2 average sized pancakes is equal to 26 carbs. I thought that same count would carry over to 2 waffles. I fear this may have been a gross under estimation on my part.

Jenna was already 16 mmol/l at bedtime but when we tried to correct, her pump informed us that no bolus was necessary as she still had close to 2 units on board from her supper bolus. This gave me a false sense of security thinking everything was going in the right direction~ DOWN! Nothing was further from the truth.

At 10pm we do what we hoped to be our last check of the night and discover a jaw-dropping 23 blood sugar!! Jenna grabs her water bottle at the side of her bed while I fiddle with her pump and downs almost half it's contents! And the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks! A correction is given and I reluctantly crawl into bed with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the alarm set for two hours later to do a follow-up check.

At a quarter to one in the morning, 45 minutes past the time my husband's alarm was SUPPOSED to go off, I awake with a start. Somehow his phone's alarm didn't sound. I leap out of bed, grab the glucometer and head for Jenna's room. Still high at 16.3 but at least we are now headed in the right direction. I give another correction of 0.35 units with 0.17 still on board and once again set an alarm for two hours later.

And now here I am. Sitting in front of my PC with my fuzzy pink bathrobe on, eyes dry and scratchy, and, ironically, having just stuffed three bite sized chocolates in my mouth. Yes, yes... Halloween candy left overs. I've had more chocolate today than my girls, for crying out loud!

The guilt is my real enemy here. It's what gnaws away and prevents me from getting adequate sleep. Not that I struggle with guilt that often, but when I do it's a real battle.

Well, I'm having trouble composing sentences and holding onto a thought. This could be a sign that I should conclude this entry and get my sorry hiney to bed. I'm feeling chilled here in the lower level of the house and my eyes really are stinging from a desperate need for sleep. Besides, experience has shown me that guilt only magnifies with sleep deprivation. I need sleep.