Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Hate That I Feel Like I Must Apologize For This Post.

I’m tired...

  • I hate waking up to a quiet house and wondering.  Fearing.
  • I hate that I feel relief when I hear her stir in her bed and begin singing.  I’d far rather just delight in the adorableness of the moment, like other moms can.
  • I hate being compelled to wake her just to make sure she will indeed wake up.
  • I hate holding my breath as the meter counts down the three seconds to see the results.
  • I hate the feeling in my chest when the number that appears is stupid-high or scary-low.
  • I hate the guilt.
  • I hate being driven, like a woman possessed, by the thought that my tireless diligence in managing her diabetes now could very well buy her years later.  
  • I hate that people don’t really understand this.
  • I hate that I feel like I am complaining when I do decide to vent.
  • I hate that some people, because of ignorance, will read this and deem me a complainer.
  • I hate that the worry lines above my nose are so deep now that even when my face is expressionless they are clearly visible.
  • I hate how vain that makes me sound.
  • I hate how horrible a high blood sugar can make her feel and the behaviour that can ensue.
  • I hate that sometimes I miss it and get frustrated with her behaviour when I could have been more understanding.
  • I hate trying to distinguish regular 5 year old behaviour from hyper or hypoglycemia-induced behaviour.
  • I hate how long it takes insulin to work to bring down a high.
  • I hate how alone I feel sometimes.
  • I hate even more how alone she will no doubt feel sometimes.
  • I hate that her first school experience was by far more stressful than enjoyable for me.
  • I hate piercing my child’s fingers with needles 8 to 10 times a day and squeezing blood from those sweet fingers.
  • I hate feeling misunderstood and judged.
  • I hate that she may one day feel misunderstood and judged.
  • I hate the idea of her going forth into a world that has such harsh preconceptions and misunderstandings of her disease.
  • I hate the sudden, profound, sobering sadness I feel when she says in a moment of pure frustration how she wishes she didn’t have diabetes.
  • I hate how it makes her feel so angry, uncomfortable and full of rage sometimes that she tells me she hates me.
  • I hate knowing how bad she feels when the moment of rage passes and the guilt sets in.
  • I hate the politics of health care.
  • I hate fearing for her future.
  • I hate this post.
  • I hate diabetes.

I’m so tired.


Melissa Lee said...

That's sad and lovely. *hugs* And wonderfully stated.

Scott Strange said...

Never apologize for something like this, it is heartfelt and something we need to realize.

By 'we' I mean the PWDs who are fortunate enough to have read this. It is too easy at times to forget how our diabetes affects our loved ones and it is something that we need to remember.

Thank you and hugs

Patrick McConnell said...

Great post Sherry, You Rock...

Patrick McConnell said...

Great Post Sherry, You Rock!!!!

Unknown said...

I hate that you hate this post. I love it. My favorite line is "I hate being driven, like a woman possessed, by the thought that my tireless diligence in managing her diabetes now could very well buy her years later." I have tried to express this very expression so many times on Beta Buddies but haven't gotten it right.

Joanne said...

Well, I LOVE this post. You captured so perfectly what our lives are like. I am glad we have somewhere to come and vent to people who get it.

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

Oh Sherry. No apologies necessary. We all feel this stuff. I don't think we should go around moaning about it every day, all day. But dang, I hope it felt good to write and post. It felt good to read it. It rings loud, clear and true.