If the number had been 11 or higher I would probably be sleeping peacefully right now. But the number was 9.2.
Jenna's 2:00 am blood sugar reading this morning is well within the "good" range, but due to several factors, I am left to toss and turn in bed, unable to return to dream land, wondering if she will dip too low before dawn.
I had awakened 20 minutes early for some unknown reason and decided to take a reading anyway and avoid the unpleasant sound of my alarm cutting into the lovely quiet. I had given Jenna her bedtime dose of intermediate acting insulin a good hour later than usual. As well, Jenna didn't eat quite as much as usual last evening. For these reasons, and admittedly probably because I am still a rookie at managing my daughter's diabetes, I am forced to wrestle with my worrying mommy mind and try to anticipate what her little body will do in the hours to come. I decided that a 4:00am recheck might be in order and this is where I believe I sealed my sleepless fate.
So instead of remaining in bed while I endure this torture I opted instead to tip-toe into the kitchen, grab a little wee hour snack- a single portion pack of Funbites Fruit Snacks I had purchased in a Costco sized box to treat Jenna's occasional lows (one would think I'm treating a hypoglycemic elephant considering the quantity I purchased)- and retreat to the office to munch and ramble.
So many thoughts flood my now completely conscious brain; menu planning for my oldest daughter Jazmine's fifth birthday party, the all too busy week ahead full of appointments, a pediatrician appointment for Jenna, dental appointments, an appointment with an accountant to discuss our new business, the start of the school year for Jazmine and the most daunting item on our schedule this week, starting Jenna on an insulin pump.
Jenna hasn't even had diabetes for three months and yet we have been able to set in motion the long series of events that will, in three days help us realize our long awaited and highly anticipated goal of Jenna's pump start-up. This is due largely to the fact that I feel incredibly strongly about Jenna getting tighter control over her blood sugars and have hastened the process along.
And yet now I am filled with apprehension and doubt about our ability to master use of the pump and of how my two year old will cope with being constantly connected to a little appliance.
Now, in the eleventh hour I am riddled with doubts and fears!
Could it be just my strange state of mind at this ungodly hour? Perhaps I'm just feeling overwhelmed on account of my far too full schedule of the week ahead. Or perhaps I know my daughter only too well and my fears will be confirmed when she won't leave the thing alone, wants to play with the buttons (thank goodness it has a lock-out feature), or just rips the infusion set right out... OUCH! This last senario would be just enough to sour her on the whole pump idea- not a good thing!
But hopefully this is just one of those things in life that is so intimidating because it is so worth doing. It's a huge step in the life of a person with diabetes to switch from MDI's (multiple daily injections) to pumping insulin! There is a pretty steep learning curve, and when you have spent everyday of your (or your child's) diabetic life trying to master MDI's and it's many peccadillo's, having to relearn another way of managing this cursed disorder, no matter how much better the outcome, is like looking up at Mt. Everest from the very bottom trying to muster the energy to climb it... YET AGAIN!
Well, worry and doubt aside, 4:00am is minutes away and I have a blood sugar check to do after which I will try to salvage a couple more hours sleep, provided Jenna's blood sugar is still in the normal range. Otherwise, I'll be trying to feed juice to a sleepy toddler and waiting 15 more minutes to do another check.
Such is the life of a parent of a child with diabetes.